E3 2009 : Day 1

So, the annual big bash is upon us, and MS have been the first of the console manufacturers to impress upon us with their 'Media Briefing'. As expected, it was the usual bunch of self-congratulatory, nigh-on-masturbatory collection of charts and sales figures, with one small difference from the same crap they spin every time.

It was actually nothing like that. It was, in fact, the single most impressive spin I think I can ever remember!

First off, Rock Band The Beatles was announced, including the Live exclusive "All You Need Is Love" DLC, with all proceeds going to some Dr. Charity thingy. That was a good start, and it got better when Yoko Ono and Olivia Harrison popped on stage. They left, to be replaced with Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr! Regardless of how obvious a publicity stunt this was, it certainly set a pretty good tone.

Next came the promise that there would be no sales figures, just games. "Show, not tell" was the mantra. And they shew!

Tony Hawk Ride was both interesting and ridiculous, Modern Warfare 2 looked nice, Final Fantasy XIII looked like the other 12. From that point on, everything was 360 exclusive. And, it was one hell of a list!

Some Gears of Metroid Live Arcade thing from Epic started things off, followed by an 'Avatar Adventure' called Joyride, which appears to be a free-to-play MMO Racing game with premium DLC additions. Could be good! This was followed by some MONSTER titles.

Forza 3, which makes me tingle. Crackdown 2, which makes me hard. Left 4 Dead 2, which makes me cum. And they even managed to show some footage of Alan Wake, which makes me believe that this one might finally appear after all. (I also still believe that Duke Nukem Forever will one day exist, though.) And amongst this, some dude from Bungie came on stage to show us footage from Halo 3 2, as well as announcing Halo 3 3! (ODST and Reach, respectively.)

And then, came the BIG reveal. Hideo Kojima walked onto the stage to announce MGS : Rising. Apparently, this is not actually 360 exclusive, which is a bit naughty of MS to try and make people think it was. No footage, no details, just knowledge that the series is finally on the 360 will be enough to make several thousand Sony zealots cry into their forums for the next 2 months.

So far, so best keynote ever. Surely they couldn't end on a higher note than Kojima-san?

Try again. This was the point at which they revealed the motion-camera that people have been talking about for some time. Project Natal, as it is called, really does look incredible. It basically reads your motions, and transfers them to the screen. So, you literally are the controller. It is the logical extreme of the Wiimote idea, and it actually appears to work really well. Seemingly, it also has voice recognition software built in, as well as things like face recognition. I will be able to sit in front of my 360, it will turn itself on, and I will then navigate through the dashboard like Tom Cruise in Minority Report, and say 'Play game' or 'Watch movie', or maybe even 'Tweet this' since facebook and twitter interactivity was also announced. Along with last.fm, and Sky TV, I really should never have to switch my 360 off again in theory.

Top marks, MS. Absolutely stunning stuff. Everything that was asked of you in previous years was delivered in this speech. Nintendo and Sony have a HARD job ahead of them today. They will need to announce a cure for cancer or something to beat it.

Sounding the 360 death knell.

MicroSoft launced the XBox 360 a good year earlier than their immediate competitor, Sony's PlayStation 3. During this year, they managed to secure a sales lead that is still untroubled. At the same time, dealings with several developers led to exclusive titles on the MicroSoft console, and exclusive downloadable content for several of the multi-platform games. Finally, MicroSoft have developed XBox Live to be a system for everybody. From the hardcore gaming fraternity, right through to the family groups, there is a game for you to play, and most importantly content for you to buy.

Sadly, all is pretty far from rosy in 360-land.

The console itself is a technical powerhouse. Graphically, there are simply no complaints that can be thrown at it. The ease of programming allows developers to try many clever things, as they are confident with the system. Compared to the PS3, which is known to be tricky.

In terms of software, too, the 360 easily outshines its rival. The vast majority of all multiplatform titles are superior on the MicroSoft machine. This is due to the aforementioned ease of programming, as well as the one year lead. A lot of games found their home on the 360, and were rather under-subscribed by the time they eventually appeared on the PS3.

With all this in mind, what I say next may surprise you :

You should NOT buy an XBox 360!

I know what you are thinking. I know what the statement is going to lead to. I am ready for the attacks. But, I have to say what I believe.

The simple fact is that MicroSoft were in a hurry to release the first next-gen console, and in their haste they made a few mistakes. The most infamous of these is the high failure rate. Some 30% of all XBox 360 consoles in existence have so far greeted their owners with flashing red lights, otherwise known as the 'Red Ring of Death'. This is the consoles way of telling you it no longer works, and that it is time to phone MicroSoft and get them to fix it, or ship you a new one.

One in three consoles break. This is frankly a ridiculous figure, and one that no right-thinking company could be happy with. That MicroSoft have extended the warrantry to three years for this specific failure is a sign that they realise they have gotten things seriously wrong.

Only, it is not the sole problem the console has. Even if you have a console that somehow avoids this "general hardware failure", your DVD drive is not guaranteed to be a good one. Some of them have been known to destroy the discs inserted in the drive. Others simply fail to recognise that a disc is in it at all. Many people have attempted to play a game only to see a screen bearing the legend "To play this disc, please insert it into an XBox 360 console." Are you kidding me? Clearly, this is meant for DVD players. How is it possible that the 360 forgets that it is a games console?

These reasons would be enough on their own, but there is one further reason to avoid the 360. And that is XBox Live itself.

A recent update to the operating system of the console itself made the marketplace more visible, but has impacted negatively on the actual accessibility of the games. Upon loading the console, the user is greeted with adverts for content to buy. Sometimes, this content consists of content that you have already bought! If it were possible to customise the layout so that this 'spotlight' channel did not appear, then this would not be an issue. However, it is not possible. The user is forced to endure these adverts every single time they switch the console on. Considering that often the user will switch the console off and on multiple times in an attempt to actually read the disc in the drive, and you start to see the annoyance.

Naturally, making marketplace more visible has led to increased sales of content. However, whilst sales are going from strength to strength, something rather curious is occurring. Rules of supply and demand appear to be working in reverse, causing MicroSoft to raise the prices as more people buy things from them. Whereas themes once cost 150 MS points, (MS points being the fictional online currency used to buy marketplace content with), they now cost 250. And whereas games on Live Arcade were once priced at 400 points for retro re-releases, or 800 points for original titles. Since the launch of the New XBox Experience, however, 400 point titles are a thing of the past. 800 appears to be the new minimum, and 1200 is the new norm. This week, the Arcade title was R Type Dimensions, a compilation of the first two games in the series. Were they released seperately last year, one would have expected to pay 400 for each title. However, MS have decided in their wisdom that the cost should be 1200 MS points. Despite there never being an announcement that the pricing policy has changed, the official line now seems to be to charge as much as they believe they can get away with.

When developers post in their own blogs that they are being forced to charge for content despite not wanting to do so, or when they complain about not being able to develop their own games without going through an unreasonably long certification process, then something is going wrong. MicroSoft are taking the power away from the creators, and instead putting it into the hands of the accountants. In doing so, they have disregarded the gamers themselves. A developer must be free to set their own price for games. If they choose to give content away, then they should simply be allowed to. That MS is dictating the policies is to no gamers benefit.

It saddens me that this has happened. For, the XBox 360 has every potential to be the best console of all time. But, when the competitors offer online gaming for free and MS insist on charging for it, when developers find their hands are tied, when your console can not be guaranteed to work from one day to the next, then the question simply must be asked by gamers : Why am I still going along with this?

Crazy Mouse.

Dear, oh dear.

This morning, as I do every Wednesday, I downloaded the latest XBox Live Arcade demos. Today we got Age of Booty from Capcom, and Crazy Mouse from .... you know, I didn't actually look? Anyway, whoever it is, they do NOT deserve to have their name mentioned online. Someone might accidentally buy this pile of shite as a result, and I in no way, shape, or form wish to be responsible for any additional sales of this abomination.

How bad can it be? I'll tell you.

Take Bomberman as your starting point. Isolate everything that makes it fun, and then cripple all those features. So, replace your Bomber with a mouse. Have him walk on jelly. And make him completely unresponsive to your controller. Got all that? I hope not, I sincerely hope not. Oh yeah, and don't actually have bombs in the game. So, instead of the crazed glory that is a fully-fledged Bomberman war, you have a slow-paced maze combat game, only without any actual strategic combat.

I suppose I should have been suspicious when I saw the price. Now, retro games are generally 400 points, unless of course people want to play them, in which case they are 800 points. New titles go for 800, unless of course there is an internet buzz about them, in which case they go to 1200. Crazy Mouse is brand new IP at 400.

Uh oh.

Here's the thing. Even at 100 MS points I would feel ripped off had I bought this game. Honestly, there is no way something so banal should be released. Not when there are hundreds of independent games out there that are vastly superior.

Recently, there were some demos of XNA community games. Most were ok, one was outstanding. The Dishwasher : Dead Samurai was basically a 2D Devil May Cry, and I would have had no qualms about spending 1200 MS points on it the very day I played it. Why is that not available yet? Whereas, what we do have available instead is a complete horse turd.

Of course, Live Arcade games all come with demos, so nobody can ever say they had no idea what they were buying was so poor. I have only played the demo of Crazy Mouse, so in fairness I am not basing this 'review' on the full title. However, I have been scarred enough by the three levels I did play to know full well that nobody should be playing something like this.

It frustrates me, because I could make (and already HAVE made) a better game. And yet, I can't get my game onto Live Arcade because I am not a known software house. There must be thousands of smaller developers out there just praying for the opportunity to put their games onto XBox Marketplace. MS seem to have a very bizarre system of choosing what makes it. Sure, their concerns about flooding the market with poor quality sound noble, but then they go and allow something so pitiful on to the platform. One has to wonder why...

In short, do not, repeat DO FUCKING NOT buy Crazy Mouse. EVER. Under no circumstances should something like this be allowed to flourish. This back-scratching is the exact kind of thing that is killing the industry. Instead of opening up the market to all, and letting the quality rise, they slam doors in the faces of the little guys.

The game was so poor that I switched off my 360 in disgust, without even getting to try Age of Booty! Since that is a Capcom game, this is almost an unheard of situation.

Still, some good will come out of this. Because now I have an even greater determination to get my own product out there!