Super Mario Galaxy review-me-do.

Of course I bought it when it was first released. After all, it was getting rave reviews from everyone, save for the usual few monkeys who just want to attack anything Nintendo related. And, I played it, and loved it. And then, for whatever reason, I abandoned it for other games. Just .... for no real reason that I can see, other games were much more appealing to me. Which is not to say that any of them were better, incidentally. Just that they were on the 360, which meant achievments and communication with friends at the same time.

And then, the other night, nearly a year after I last played it, I decided to switch on the Wii again and give Mr. Gay another shot. The reason being that the Wii had finally seen some love over the weekend when we tried Samba de Amigo with friends. Before this, my message board tells me the Wii had been inactive in 6 weeks. Which pretty much explains why I hadn't completed Galaxy.

I still haven't completed Galaxy, but I have beat Bowser. Now, here is where things get interesting. Because I would normally not bother going back to 100% complete a game at this stage. I am more of a "Play them all" than a "Play it all" type of guy. But, I knew there was much more fun to be had in Galaxy, so I gladly went back in to add some more stars to my collection.

The closing credits pleased me, and surprised me. Apparently, 6 people were involved in level design, and 1 person was involved in in-game cinematics. This pleased me because it is the way all games should do it, and surprised me because I felt sure that there were at least 100 level designers! I have never played anything that has so consistently thrown new things at me. There are entire massive levels based around a single play mechanic that could quite easily support a full game, that is then thrown away. There are comets that change the rules completely, and yet are entirely in keeping with the rest of the game. There are of course the familiar old enemies, along with some entirely new creations. And it all sits hand-in-hand, and makes complete sense.

All the reviews you have read can't prepare you. They certainly didn't prepare me. I knew I was in for a good time, what I didn't know was that my entire gameplaying life for the last few years would be revealed to be as empty as it has been.

For example, there is a level where I had to multiple wall-jump from side to side up a tower that was sinking into the sand. Or maybe water. Or maybe just empty space, I don't remember now. What I DO clearly remember is the feeling of pure awesome as I made the jumps.It was almost as if I was all-powerful, with the knowledge that I could go pretty much anywhere at any time as of right now, and have no fear at all. Very few games give you that level of reward, Galaxy starts you off with it.

The level design shines. Every galaxy you open brings you at least one area that you can see, but can't quite work out how to get to. These areas may not contain anything, or they may contain power-ups, coins, it doesn't matter. You never feel as if they are out of reach, they are just slightly out of your reach at that moment. You trust that they are there for a reason.

This reason comes with the advent of the purple comet. Once the game is completed, you get a message telling you that 'Another chapter has been added to the storybook', and another one saying 'The purple comet has now appeared'. The purple comet is the one that scatters 100 purple coins through each galaxy, and gives you a star for collecting them all. It is an entirely optional task that is only available once you have completed the game. And yet, it feels like something you should have been doing all along. That is the genius I am talking about. 60 stars is all you need to fight final Bowser, but you will want to find the rest of the 120. Because every single star is just such fun!

Mario Galaxy has made me question just what I have been playing since Mario 64. Why aren't all games like this? I'm not suggesting that every game should be a cute platformer, but I am suggesting that every game should have this amount of love and thought lavished upon it during its creation. 99% of all other games look soulless in comparison.

I wish Mario Galaxy was on the PS3 and XBox 360, so that everybody could play it. Make no mistake about it, there are peole out there who loathe the Wii and all it stands for. These people are denying themselves one of the greatest, if not THE single most wondrous, gaming experiences ever crafted. Anybody reading this who does not have a Wii on which to play this game is hereby ordered to find a way to play it. If you do not, you will have to find a way to apologise to your own soul.

Call me Ishmael

It was a day just like any other. Maybe a little colder than others recently, but the rain was no worse than usual. There was no particularly bad news, or good news. To any observer, it was just the standard average every normal day.

Except, of course, there was something very special about it. Very special indeed. Perhaps it was a planetary alignment? Maybe biorhythms are real, and this was the day that all 3 cycles matched at the top? Whatever the reason, something was different about today. I didn't know it at the time, but I was about to experience something quite monumental...

To fully understand the events that transpired upon the 4th December 2008, we actually need to travel back in time a little, and explore several previous events. Such as, whatever date it was that I first got hold of Project Gotham Racing 2 for my original XBox. That was a good day in several ways.

The next important day happened a couple of years down the line. The actual date has been forgotten, but what I saw that day still lives with me. It was the day I read an article on joystiq.com, and more importantly, the day I watched the video that it linked me to!

Another huge milestone occured on April 11th, 2006. For, that was the day that I first had an XBox 360 of my own to play on. Perhaps April 13th was more important, though, as that was the date when I first purchased some MS points. Which allowed to download the first Live Arcade game I ever downloaded.

PGR2 wasn't just a racing game. Well, it was, but it also had a little bonus. In the garage, there was an arcade cabinet, that was fully playable. The game on the cabinet was called Geometry Wars, and it was, in this humble writer's opinion, better than PGR2! I loved it. Simple, addictive, fiendish, and absolutely relentless, it left an impression on me that not much else has managed to top.

The joystiq article alerted me to the fact that there was a sequel to this bonus game, Geometry Wars Retro Evolved. The video was of K4rn4ge scoring 16 million, which was the highest score on the leaderboard at the time. I watched, and was completely amazed at what I was seeing. It was .... beautiful! Such chaos, such frantic randomness, and such a multitude of enemies. I vowed then and there that I would have that game!

And, the day I finally had a 360 to play on, I actually played the various disc titles we got first. But, the next morning, I knew that no matter what else, I needed to buy Geometry Wars Retro Evolved. My life would simply not be complete without it.

Back then, I had no idea what achievments were going to do to me. I recall reading in the joystiq comments about 'Pacifism' being hard, and was therefore determined to get that one straight away. It took me a couple of tries, and I felt good when I managed it to that minute mark. Right there, I had a badge that proved my skills as a gamer. Right there, I was on the start of a path to greatness. That first achievment, which I got even before I scored 100,000, was the mark of honour that was going to seperate me from my friends.

I was wrong, of course. Pacifism is tricky, but far from impossible.

Since it was the first achievment I got, I looked at the others. None of them looked difficult, and I figured that I would be earning all of them before long. And, within the hour I had scored 100,000. Nice! Sometime in the next day or two I survived to 100,000. At this point, I actually led my friends leaderboard for score. Sadly, somewhere around this time, Razzie50 managed to post a higher score than mine!

Well, I had no choice but to beat her again. Which I did immediately, and it wasn't long before I had the 'Score 250,000' achievment as well. By now, I had started to realise just how tough it was going to be to get all the achievments. But, there were peole scoring 100,000,000 by now, so I had no doubt that I would be able to do it eventually. After all, scoring a million was a very worthwhile achievment, compared to some of the stupid things I had already seen games dish them out for.

But something went seriously wrong. My score kept on edging higher and higher, but I still never got anywhere near to 1,000,000. I didn't even feel like I was improving enough to get close. I swore, I screamed, I raged. I calmed myself down. I allowed myself only three games per day, so as to not allow the game to learn too much from me. I swear, I was becoming paranoid. Somehow, the game was tailoring itself to my playstyle, and getting harder instead of easier!

Why did it sometimes save?

I kept on trying, and became more and more disconsolate. I had all but given up. You may laugh, gentle reader, but my life was in ruins. I was a broken man, and nothing could ever be right again until I had done it. I convinced myself that I was beaten, and made the decision to just let it go.

Two years to the day after I got the console, I unlocked two more elusive achievments. I not only survived to 500,000, but I also had 9 lives at the same time. However, I still hadn't scored the magical million. Razzie50 had, with 200,000+ extra points to boot. Also, by now I had 4 friends who had it, as well as another 2 closer than I was. My score stood at 750,000-ish, which was frankly an insult to me. It hurt me to look at it. It literally burned my very eyes.

That night, though, I had a very good game. I upped my score to 800,000+ in that one game. Suddenly, a million wasn't so far away! Suddenly, I had new hope!

About a dozen games later, I realised what had happened. The game had tricked me! That was the only explanation, this was some kind of psychological torture. I was victim to the whims of an insane AI, programmed to impregnate me with false hope. It gave me wings just before ripping them back off me, cutting my flight short and letting me tumble back to the floor of my own despair.

Another month or so passed, and by now I only ever loaded the game when I had nothing else to play. One night, alone in the flat because my girlfriend was off in Northumberland visiting her dying grandfather, I managed to not only pass 500,000 with my first life, I also beat my current high score. In fact, I got to 900,000 on that first life. This was unbelievable! This was it! I paused upon dying, because I was shaking so much. I am shaking even now, as I recall it. My heart rate resembled that of a hummingbird, and it was even a little uncomfortable. Such adrenaline rushes are rare indeed, but they are the very reason I game.

And once again, Geometry Wars was cruel, unflinchingly so in the way it tricked me. After hitting 925,000 and having 8 lives spare, everything went as wrong as it was possible to go. Within moments, I was dead again. And again. AND AGAIN! My score that game ended up as 952,000. Catastrophe! I had somehow gone from seeing the peak of Everest to looking at it in a picture book as a 5 year old.

Would this torment never end? WHY CAN'T I DO THIS?

One million points in Geometry Wars had become my own personal Moby Dick. It was a dragon, and some day I knew I had to slay it. My life would never be my own, regardless of what other accomplishments I made in life. There was a hole that could only be filled by one of those bastard red magnet homing shielded bastards in a green circle.

This is getting a little long. I think we should have an interval. Here, look at the little dancing girl :

I don't care how pathetic you may think I am. I promise you I thought worse of me. A game was getting the better of me, to an extent beyond which anything had ever proved capable in the past. Something was wrong with the very fabric of the universe. I had been close, but still hadn't managed to suck on the cigar of success. I no longer cared if I ever beat Razzie50, or indeed anyone else. I just wanted my million. God knows I had worked hard enough for it!

Which brings us to tonight. When, for no reason I know, I loaded my nemesis up once more. Expecting nothing, I played a warm-up game. It was quite a harsh game, as it happened. That is one of the things about Geometry Wars, actually. Since it is all random micro-spawns, some games are easier to score in than others. Some games give you endless amounts of snakes and gravity wells, whereas some are a stroll in the park until suddenly you have a screenfull of magnets.

My first game tonight was snake heaven. Snakes used to be my most-hated enemy, simply because I thought they were unfair. They can spawn right on top of you, and kill you instantly, unlike all others. Then, they were replaced by the little triangle things. For a long time, they terrified me, as they flooded in from all corners leaving me no option but to smart bomb or die. However, I soon learned to deal with them, and in fact have hoped many times that they would spawn as they are a great way to speed that multiplier back up after a death.

These days, the only enemy I dislike is the magnet. An otherwise perfect run can be demolished by a badly-timed spawn of these. Also, since I rarely ever get the triangles, one magnet usually means the end of my multiplier at a decent level. My dream game would consist of loads of cyan diamonds spawning from the corners, backed up with plenty of triangles, and a healthy supply of black holes. Healthy, not excessive.

I got that game tonight.

I. GOT. THAT. MOTHER. FUCKER. TONIGHT!

My first death was at about 400,000. Which annoyed me, naturally, but wasn't a nightmare. It was my own stupid fault for dying, too, rather than the game doing something unfair. I felt the game was being mean early on, but it got to a point where I was glad of the large amount of enemies and relatively small amount of surround-spawns.

Before I knew it, I was at 800,000. This was my best game in a while. I was by now getting a LOT of triangles, none of which were killing me. I was also peppering the screen with smart bombs, as there was a steady supply of black holes exploding. My little boy was also enjoying walking in front of me, which cost me another couple of lives.

At 950,000, with 7 lives left, I was in a state of shock. I knew I had this, if I could just avoid the complete mental collapse I got last time I was here.

975,000, and by now the screen is teaming with far too many enemies. I use my last smart bomb, and start to feel myself dying inside. 6 lives to score 25,000 points ... surely I can't mess this up now?

993,000, and I die again! NOOOOOOOOOOO! But then ... a calmness comes over me. 7,000 points is NOTHING. I have 4 lives with which to score this. I have done it, I know I have, I'VE FUCKING DONE IT!

And, I did. For tonight, the game ended with me on 1,091,110! See for yourself :

I am amazed at how calmly I remained at this point. I wanted my girlfriend to walk in and see it, but she didn't. I just left it on the friends leaderboard, so that she would. I always thought that I would spontaneously combust, or at the very least run around shouting and screaming, but nothing of the sort occured.

Tonight, I feel as if there is nothing I can't do. I am once more a God amongst men. I can stand tall in the company of friends, knowing that I have not only knocked the monkey off my back, I have flung him into the pits of hell.

I don't care that I haven't beat Razzie50 yet, either. Because now, I know I can do. Now, it is only a matter of time before I take my rightful place atop my friends leaderboard. That hurdle has been getting taller and taller for the last two and a half years, and tonight I finally jumped over it.

Bring on the new Everest!