Top Ten alternatives to Zombies

Dear Games Designers everywhere,

It has come to my attention that you have gotten quite lazy in recent years. By lazy, I mean ... actually, I simply mean lazy. The sheer amount of zombies I am having to kill lately staggers the mind. Seriously, it was fun, but now it is getting ridiculous.

Is it so hard to come up with new enemies for us to fight? I don't know, but I came up with ten today. Here is my list :

Monkeys

Zombies attack in a straight line. Zombies don't defend themselves. Zombies don't work in teams. Zombies are, basically, stupid.

Monkeys are clever. They will come at you from all angles, they will run away instead of just taking your abuse. They have access to tools, and even weapons.

Zombies are ugly. Monkeys are funny. That closes it for me. Finally, think of a game. Any game. Now put monkeys in it. Your game got better, didn't it?

Weeaboos

Weeaboos already are zombies, except they aren't quite so hard to kill. From a programming point of view, they would make it easy, as they all look the same. 3, 4, 5 models required at most! Also, when it comes to weapons, they will all use a Katana. Why? Because, everyone knows that "Katanas are just better!"

Orcs

Now, I know what you're thinking. Well, you're wrong to think that! Just having Orcs does not make it essential that the game is set in some Tolkien-esque setting. Oh no, not for one second. Imagine the damage that Orcs could do in a modern world setting?

Orcs are badasses. They are just as relentless as zombies, only much harder to kill. They have the capacity to work together, and they have the capacity to defend. An Orc could even pick up a gun and use it. This would make them potentially the most terrifying of enemies.

Lady Gaga

I would quite like the opportunity to beat the virtual snot out of her.

Aliens

Aliens are what we used to fight. They were everywhere! And, we killed so many of them that it seems we lost the bloodlust. So, maybe it's about time they made a comeback?

Aliens are a real blank slate for a designer. They can look like us, or nothing like us. They can have all sorts of awesome abilities, and all sorts of restrictions. You want an absolute killing machine that will die if you take its mask off? That would be an alien. You want a creature that can fly, be invisible, or control enemy bodies? That would be an alien. You want something useless on its own, but you want TENFUCKJILLION of them? That would be aliens. The possibilities are endless with aliens, because whatever we imagine apparently already exists in an infinite universe.

Bugs

Bugs are ugly. Bugs are nasty. Bugs outnumber us by about a billion to one. There is something so wonderfully satisfying about killing a bug. Killing an ant is great. Killing a spider is better. Killing a giant ant is betterer! Killing a giant spider is the betterest!

The thing with bugs is, they can go both ways. They can be more powerful than us, or they can just swarm us. Either way, it can make for some sheer epic gaming.

Genetically Modified Humans

Fair enough, these are really just zombies again, albeit with the scope to be more intelligent. Also, they can be extremely dangerous, adding uncertainty into the game. Is that guy really my partner, or is he one of THEM? He's just like me, but he can PICKUPCARSOHMYGODIMADEADMAN!

Vampires

These are the polar opposite of zombies. Vampires act alone. Vampires are clever. Vampires are stronger than us. Vampires have powers that mere mortals do not posess.

Vampires are much more interesting than zombies, plus you will probably sell more copies of your game to the Twilight-obsessed. Which brings us to ...


Emos

These are basically the same as Weeaboos, except for the hair. Also, if you just ignore them long enough they will kill themselves. Hmmm, maybe not such a good idea.

Chavs

A single Chav is scarier than a thousand zombies.

Imagine a stream of freaks who all look alike and speak in tongues? Imagine a never-ending trail of bottles of cider and burger wrappers? Imagine the sheer horror that coming face-to-face with more than one Burberry cap wearing moron?

Imagine how much fun it would be to kill hundreds of them?

There we have it. I think these things so you don't have to. I ask for no part of the profits, or even recognition. I merely ask that you STOP MAKING FUCKING ZOMBIE GAMES, OK?

Regards,

Lee