Top Ten alternatives to Zombies

Dear Games Designers everywhere,

It has come to my attention that you have gotten quite lazy in recent years. By lazy, I mean ... actually, I simply mean lazy. The sheer amount of zombies I am having to kill lately staggers the mind. Seriously, it was fun, but now it is getting ridiculous.

Is it so hard to come up with new enemies for us to fight? I don't know, but I came up with ten today. Here is my list :

Monkeys

Zombies attack in a straight line. Zombies don't defend themselves. Zombies don't work in teams. Zombies are, basically, stupid.

Monkeys are clever. They will come at you from all angles, they will run away instead of just taking your abuse. They have access to tools, and even weapons.

Zombies are ugly. Monkeys are funny. That closes it for me. Finally, think of a game. Any game. Now put monkeys in it. Your game got better, didn't it?

Weeaboos

Weeaboos already are zombies, except they aren't quite so hard to kill. From a programming point of view, they would make it easy, as they all look the same. 3, 4, 5 models required at most! Also, when it comes to weapons, they will all use a Katana. Why? Because, everyone knows that "Katanas are just better!"

Orcs

Now, I know what you're thinking. Well, you're wrong to think that! Just having Orcs does not make it essential that the game is set in some Tolkien-esque setting. Oh no, not for one second. Imagine the damage that Orcs could do in a modern world setting?

Orcs are badasses. They are just as relentless as zombies, only much harder to kill. They have the capacity to work together, and they have the capacity to defend. An Orc could even pick up a gun and use it. This would make them potentially the most terrifying of enemies.

Lady Gaga

I would quite like the opportunity to beat the virtual snot out of her.

Aliens

Aliens are what we used to fight. They were everywhere! And, we killed so many of them that it seems we lost the bloodlust. So, maybe it's about time they made a comeback?

Aliens are a real blank slate for a designer. They can look like us, or nothing like us. They can have all sorts of awesome abilities, and all sorts of restrictions. You want an absolute killing machine that will die if you take its mask off? That would be an alien. You want a creature that can fly, be invisible, or control enemy bodies? That would be an alien. You want something useless on its own, but you want TENFUCKJILLION of them? That would be aliens. The possibilities are endless with aliens, because whatever we imagine apparently already exists in an infinite universe.

Bugs

Bugs are ugly. Bugs are nasty. Bugs outnumber us by about a billion to one. There is something so wonderfully satisfying about killing a bug. Killing an ant is great. Killing a spider is better. Killing a giant ant is betterer! Killing a giant spider is the betterest!

The thing with bugs is, they can go both ways. They can be more powerful than us, or they can just swarm us. Either way, it can make for some sheer epic gaming.

Genetically Modified Humans

Fair enough, these are really just zombies again, albeit with the scope to be more intelligent. Also, they can be extremely dangerous, adding uncertainty into the game. Is that guy really my partner, or is he one of THEM? He's just like me, but he can PICKUPCARSOHMYGODIMADEADMAN!

Vampires

These are the polar opposite of zombies. Vampires act alone. Vampires are clever. Vampires are stronger than us. Vampires have powers that mere mortals do not posess.

Vampires are much more interesting than zombies, plus you will probably sell more copies of your game to the Twilight-obsessed. Which brings us to ...


Emos

These are basically the same as Weeaboos, except for the hair. Also, if you just ignore them long enough they will kill themselves. Hmmm, maybe not such a good idea.

Chavs

A single Chav is scarier than a thousand zombies.

Imagine a stream of freaks who all look alike and speak in tongues? Imagine a never-ending trail of bottles of cider and burger wrappers? Imagine the sheer horror that coming face-to-face with more than one Burberry cap wearing moron?

Imagine how much fun it would be to kill hundreds of them?

There we have it. I think these things so you don't have to. I ask for no part of the profits, or even recognition. I merely ask that you STOP MAKING FUCKING ZOMBIE GAMES, OK?

Regards,

Lee

What to do with my hands ... ?

If you had suggested to me at this time last year that the majority of my gaming time would be taken up by my MOBILE SODDING PHONE, I would have looked at you as if you were a cartoon duck who just started talking to me. There I was, arguing all over the place that handheld gaming was limited pretty much to the DS and the DS alone. Sony tried, bless them, but the PSP for whatever reason never really hit the heights it could have done. This is probably due to the Sony philosophy of the last few years of trying to be everything to all people, and not really having a clue who to market their games machines towards. (Hint : The ones who play the GAMES on them might be a good place to start!)

However, things changed quite drastically on my 39th birthday. For that was when my beloved spent far too much money on an iPhone for my present. Naturally, I was completely blown away, but even at that point I had no idea what lay in store. No. Freaking. Clue. Seriously, when Apple hit you with numbers it all sounds a little dry. But, you don't factor in just how big those numbers are at the time. "We have 50,000 games to download." says Mr. Jobs, to which I and every other gamer replied "Yes, but maybe 5% are any good!"

5% of 50,000 is still 2,500. This is probably double the entire library of any of the bigger consoles.

The App Store is, quite simply, the most terrifying thing I have ever seen. It is possible to log in, and then spend the next 3 to 4 hours just looking at things in there. The sheer amount of stuff means that there is ALWAYS something else to see. Games are very much to the forefront of my searches, naturally, but even when not looking for games there are imagination catchers. Muslim Speed Dating? There's an App for that!

Take today as an example. Now, today is the day that The Secret of Monkey Island 2 : Special Edition is released. Available on XBox 360, PS3, PC, and iPhone. Guess which version is the only one that costs less than £5? Yup, the iPhone version. And, the incredible thing is, that even though it is nearly £5, that actually makes it one of the most expensive games available on the platform. The sublime Angry Birds is a mere 59p! For that 59p, you get one of the year's best physics based puzzlers, which at time of writing clocks in at 160 levels. (I shall have to review-me-do that one, actually!)

My gaming time has, to all extents, been totally taken over by my phone. This is completely unexpected, and I am not sure if I like it. (Read as : I love it!) I now find myself wanting an iPad, for no real reason I can discern. The idea of smaller games is not as repellent as I thought, and the idea of cheaper games is just as erection-inducing as I expected. So much so that I will never be without my phone again, and I can actually quite possibly attribute my poor showing as an author over the last 12 months directly to the little Apple beastie that has been in my posession.

I guess that means I should write about the bloody thing more, then...

Re-launch!

Or, version 2.0?

So, it has been over a year since I last posted here. I don't actually know why I didn't follow up on the MS E3 conference with the planned Sony and Nintendo dissections, but I'm sure I had a good reason to not do what I was supposed to. There were probably too many games to play, or too many other things to talk about, or I was just too lazy. (All genuine reasons!)

So, recap : Sony showed off the Wagglewand (later christened 'Move'), and Nintendo showed a lot of rubbish. A year on, and MS have rechristened Project Natal to 'Kinect' and turned into Nintendo 3 years ago. Sony have done more with Move, but also a lot with 3D. They are still unmistakeably Sonyish, and still seem to not quite know what to do with the PS3. And Nintendo? They only went and wowed the whole bloomin' world with a new console, the much expected and heavily vaunted 3DS.

It really does look like they have trumped the others once more. The 3DS basically offers 3D without the need to adorn some stupid goggles. Now, a lowly scumbag like me doesn't get invited to swanky press events, so I have had to rely on what I have been able to dig up on youtube, but even that looks bloody impressive! Put it this way; if they package this thing for less than £200, they will clean up. Another license to print money, on top of the multiple licenses they already have.

Gameswise, E3 treated us to much of what we already knew about. Rage, Crysis 2, Killzone 3, Gears 3, Need for Speed Hot Pursuit, and all the other blockbusters. All of which looked as shiny as we all expected them to. Nintendo once more raided their back catalogue, and so we got new Zelda footage. We also got a couple of new oldies, like Donkey Knog Country Returns and Kirby's Epic Yarn, both of which look infinitely more exciting than Call of Duty : Who Cares.

That's the lot for this one. I am aware that I often write too much, and so this time I wish to keep my posts more succinct.

E3 2009 : Day 1

So, the annual big bash is upon us, and MS have been the first of the console manufacturers to impress upon us with their 'Media Briefing'. As expected, it was the usual bunch of self-congratulatory, nigh-on-masturbatory collection of charts and sales figures, with one small difference from the same crap they spin every time.

It was actually nothing like that. It was, in fact, the single most impressive spin I think I can ever remember!

First off, Rock Band The Beatles was announced, including the Live exclusive "All You Need Is Love" DLC, with all proceeds going to some Dr. Charity thingy. That was a good start, and it got better when Yoko Ono and Olivia Harrison popped on stage. They left, to be replaced with Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr! Regardless of how obvious a publicity stunt this was, it certainly set a pretty good tone.

Next came the promise that there would be no sales figures, just games. "Show, not tell" was the mantra. And they shew!

Tony Hawk Ride was both interesting and ridiculous, Modern Warfare 2 looked nice, Final Fantasy XIII looked like the other 12. From that point on, everything was 360 exclusive. And, it was one hell of a list!

Some Gears of Metroid Live Arcade thing from Epic started things off, followed by an 'Avatar Adventure' called Joyride, which appears to be a free-to-play MMO Racing game with premium DLC additions. Could be good! This was followed by some MONSTER titles.

Forza 3, which makes me tingle. Crackdown 2, which makes me hard. Left 4 Dead 2, which makes me cum. And they even managed to show some footage of Alan Wake, which makes me believe that this one might finally appear after all. (I also still believe that Duke Nukem Forever will one day exist, though.) And amongst this, some dude from Bungie came on stage to show us footage from Halo 3 2, as well as announcing Halo 3 3! (ODST and Reach, respectively.)

And then, came the BIG reveal. Hideo Kojima walked onto the stage to announce MGS : Rising. Apparently, this is not actually 360 exclusive, which is a bit naughty of MS to try and make people think it was. No footage, no details, just knowledge that the series is finally on the 360 will be enough to make several thousand Sony zealots cry into their forums for the next 2 months.

So far, so best keynote ever. Surely they couldn't end on a higher note than Kojima-san?

Try again. This was the point at which they revealed the motion-camera that people have been talking about for some time. Project Natal, as it is called, really does look incredible. It basically reads your motions, and transfers them to the screen. So, you literally are the controller. It is the logical extreme of the Wiimote idea, and it actually appears to work really well. Seemingly, it also has voice recognition software built in, as well as things like face recognition. I will be able to sit in front of my 360, it will turn itself on, and I will then navigate through the dashboard like Tom Cruise in Minority Report, and say 'Play game' or 'Watch movie', or maybe even 'Tweet this' since facebook and twitter interactivity was also announced. Along with last.fm, and Sky TV, I really should never have to switch my 360 off again in theory.

Top marks, MS. Absolutely stunning stuff. Everything that was asked of you in previous years was delivered in this speech. Nintendo and Sony have a HARD job ahead of them today. They will need to announce a cure for cancer or something to beat it.

FIGHT!

It was back in 1991 that my whole world changed. Hell, everybody's world changed! Because, it was back in 1991 that Capcom unleashed Street Fighter II : The World Warrior on an unsuspecting population.

It was a sequel to a game that was of little note, except for having huge rubber pads instead of buttons, basing the power of the on-screen moves around the power with which the buttons were hit. This was meant to develop skill, but in effect just meant that the best players were huge guys in puffy jackets. Street Fighter really was nothing of note. So, when Street Fighter II first appeared, I giggled at it.

I still don't know for sure what made me play it. I think it was possibly due to there being an entire bank of the machines in the arcade, instead of just the usual sole cabinet. And all were busy! I remembered seeing the original game left empty after about a week, as everybody realised how useless the "Smack it harder" system really was.

Street Fighter II was different, though. For a start, there were 6 buttons. Sounds like nothing today, but it was a jaw-dropper for me. I imagined how it would work ; A flurry of light punches, leading into a couple of medium, followed by a heavy to finish it all. I put in my coin, picked the character my cursor happened to be on, and was immediately taken out of the mundane everyday world I existed in and instead dropped into a surreal but beautiful nightmare.

My karate dude was up against a man that stretched his arms to hit me from the other side of the screen! Not only that, the bastard could also breathe fire. How unfair! Naturally, I picked stretchy dude when I died. Only, I couldn't spit the fire like the CPU could. So, I lost again, to the original karate dude I had picked who obviously was the worst one. So, I picked the soldier this time.

Once again, I lost. But, I somehow won a round this time! It was clear to me that this 'Guile' character was the way forwards, although if I could just figure out how to make karate guy do that magic attack then things would be different. After some experimentation, I discovered that moving the stick backwards, down, forwards, and pressing 2 of the punch buttons made the fireball appear. (Little did I know how I was overcomplicating things at the time!)

I was hooked. Along with the entire world. A new breed of arcade game now existed, and you were no longer judged on your single player abilities. Now, everything was about how well you could stick it to the other guy. Tournaments sprang up, everyone was fighting evevryone else, and the impact of this one game reshaped the entire face of gaming forever. It would be safe to say that no fighting franchise has had the same effect as Street Fighter did. And whilst subsequent incarnations have upped the technology, the style, and the complexity, they have not SHORYUKEN'ed the public consciousness in quite the same way.

Until now, that is. For now, we have Street Fighter IV. A game that has the potential to do to your home consoles what it did to the arcades of the world 18 years ago.

There are games that create a buzz. There are games that bring something new. And then, there is Street Fighter IV. What it has done is to somehow remind us all of those heady days of the early 90's. Days of tournaments, of battling prowess, of practising your combos for hours on end so that when you next fought in public you would have something to show your opponent, and your audience. Days that had seemingly been lost forever. Oh, sure, there is still a healthy tournament scene, but it is reserved for the specialists.

Street Fighter IV is bringing it all back into the public domain. By welcoming new players into its arms, and removing some of the barriers that have been built by years of tweaking to perfection, suddenly being the best doesn't seem so far away. Only, rather than having to go to an arcade and face the wrath of large guys in puffy jackets, all you need to do now is face the wrath of high-pitched annoying 12 year old Americans over XBox Live or PSN. Just insert the disc, start up, and prepare for the onslaught of an endless supply of Ken players hitting the Fierce Dragon Punch on you. By including the ability to let random players challenge you whilst working through arcade mode, Capcom have captured the feel of arcades at their best.

Feel is where this game particularly shines. Without ignoring the quality of the graphics, which are simply sublime, they are not what fighting is about. Fights need a flow to them, and a way of seperating the good players from those who just aimlessly mash. The new 'Focus' system ensures that there is always an option available to punish the mindless mashers. Hit focus at the exact moment an attack hits, and you absorb the energy of it, replenishing your health. Your opponent is also briefly stunned, which allows you to get your own attack in. And, yes, it is possible to counter a Focus with a Focus of your own, leading to back and forth battles. Charge a Focus long enough, and your opponent crumples to the floor. Nicest of all is that there is no requirement to build up any kind of meter to do this, as there are already two meters to keep your eye on anyway!

First is the standard 'If you hit them it will come' meter that when full allows you to unleash your Super Combo. New to IV is the 'Revenge' meter, which fills as you take damage. Once it hits halfway, you have access to a highly damaging and spectacular looking Ultra Combo, making for a rather nifty catch-up mechanic. Far from being the 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card that it sounds like, this system guarantees fights remain exciting until the end, as hitting someone with your Ultra charges THEIR meter, allowing them to retaliate should they survive.

The whole game emphasises this tactical element, rather than relying on intricate joystick movements to release the most damaging attacks. Fast-fingers are still needed, but they are no longer the only entry requirement. It is possible for a novice to inflict decent damage with mostly regular attacks, whilst the inclusion of EX versions of special and regular attacks (activated by pressing an extra punch or kick button), along with the ability to miss throw attempts, opens up fights from the tight manic action of earlier games in the franchise. Matches between veterans will still rely on the same setups, zones, and traps, but players who learn to accomodate the new mechanics into their armouries will soon find themselves borderline unstoppable.

There is no other way to describe it, Street Fighter IV is the complete package. Graphically impressive enough to catch the casual eye, accessible enough to catch the mainstream, and deep enough to keep hold of the core. Sometimes, what you have in front of you is simply a peach. Congratulations, Capcom, you have made me feel younger!

The shitstorm hits the lovingly-rendered fan.

I have tried to just let it pass, but I can't. I have been wronged, and I need to let it out somewhere. Here is the only place I really have, but it seems wasteful that nobody will see it. Oh well, so be it. It is a long, slow, and hard process to get respected, but it has to start somewhere.

So, Killzone 2 is the 'Great White Hope' for the PS3, and it really is setting new standards. Not for gameplay, or anything remotely good, but instead for rampant fanboyism. Honestly, the Sony Defence Force have been more active than I can ever remember them being. Mostly because of this review from EDGE online, which gave it a 7. Now, EDGE don't rate like everyone else. For them, a 5 is the average, and a 7 is very good. But, the SDF retards are up in arms because it isn't a 10.

SDF retard website extraordinaire PSXExtreme really took umbrage to it, and have posted one of, if not THE single most ridiculous piece of "journalism" it has ever been my displeasure to read. Honestly, this has to be some kind of joke, as no right thinking person could ever actually believe the rubbish that Ben Dutka is spouting there. EDGE is about as marquee name as it gets in games reviewing circles. They have been around for years, and whilst not the behemoths they once were, are still known and respected everywhere. For some upstart PlayStation branded site to accuse EDGE of chasing hits? It beggars belief.

I read the article, and some of the comments, and was staggered at what I saw. So, I registered at the site, and responded to some of the comments. No fanboyism involved, just correcting factual innaccuracies. An example is when notp posts "7 out of ten is A REALLY GOOD SCORE. It is significantly above average (average being FIVE, not SEVEN, sort it out)." Aftab responds with "If you take a true mathetical average on the score of all games, say on metacritic, you will see that a 5 is below average." Naturally, I had to correct him, and put something pretty much word for word like :

"Aftab, you need educating as to what an average is. 0+1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8+9+10=55/11=5. In a 10 point scale, the mean average is 5. This is the scale EDGE uses for rating. 7 is above average." I also then went on to post my own comment, in which I called out Mr. Dutka for having no journalistic integrity. I responded to one or two others, but my main post was 'awaiting moderation'.

Which of course means that it never reached the site! Mr. Dutka decided not to let my words out in case ... well, that's for him to say why, really. I know what I wrote, and one or two other people will have seen the other posts that have since been deleted. (Curiously, not all of them.) Interestingly, some of the site members are now suggesting that Mr. Dutka has become a power-crazed moderator, which is hardly a new phenomenom on the internet!

What have we come to here? I KNOW they are just a small and somewhat insignificant corner of the web, and that any reasonable and intelligent person just would not post there again, but I am wired somewhat differently. I take it as an affront that my post has been moderated despite containing absolutely nothing that violates the terms I agreed to when signing up. I want to go back and keep on posting, but they have actually deleted my account there! I kid you not, you couldn't make stuff like this up if you tried.

This is a new level of fanboyism we are seeing. It is a kind of evolution. Not only are the SDF getting louder, they are now actively silencing any dissenting voices. What next? Will they trace our IP addresses and come to break our fingers?

It's comedy of epic proportions, the kind of drama that makes you both loathe and love the internet. They are ripe for piss takes. Suffice it to say that Destructoid nailed it, and every single fibre of my being wishes I had written that!

I hate review scores, which is why review-me-do's don't have them. They lead to exactly this sort of childish behaviour. The simple fact is that you can not convey all that is good or bad about a game with a score. If that were the case, there would never be a difference of opinion on any game. And Shadow of the Colossus would get 10's everywhere!

Sounding the 360 death knell.

MicroSoft launced the XBox 360 a good year earlier than their immediate competitor, Sony's PlayStation 3. During this year, they managed to secure a sales lead that is still untroubled. At the same time, dealings with several developers led to exclusive titles on the MicroSoft console, and exclusive downloadable content for several of the multi-platform games. Finally, MicroSoft have developed XBox Live to be a system for everybody. From the hardcore gaming fraternity, right through to the family groups, there is a game for you to play, and most importantly content for you to buy.

Sadly, all is pretty far from rosy in 360-land.

The console itself is a technical powerhouse. Graphically, there are simply no complaints that can be thrown at it. The ease of programming allows developers to try many clever things, as they are confident with the system. Compared to the PS3, which is known to be tricky.

In terms of software, too, the 360 easily outshines its rival. The vast majority of all multiplatform titles are superior on the MicroSoft machine. This is due to the aforementioned ease of programming, as well as the one year lead. A lot of games found their home on the 360, and were rather under-subscribed by the time they eventually appeared on the PS3.

With all this in mind, what I say next may surprise you :

You should NOT buy an XBox 360!

I know what you are thinking. I know what the statement is going to lead to. I am ready for the attacks. But, I have to say what I believe.

The simple fact is that MicroSoft were in a hurry to release the first next-gen console, and in their haste they made a few mistakes. The most infamous of these is the high failure rate. Some 30% of all XBox 360 consoles in existence have so far greeted their owners with flashing red lights, otherwise known as the 'Red Ring of Death'. This is the consoles way of telling you it no longer works, and that it is time to phone MicroSoft and get them to fix it, or ship you a new one.

One in three consoles break. This is frankly a ridiculous figure, and one that no right-thinking company could be happy with. That MicroSoft have extended the warrantry to three years for this specific failure is a sign that they realise they have gotten things seriously wrong.

Only, it is not the sole problem the console has. Even if you have a console that somehow avoids this "general hardware failure", your DVD drive is not guaranteed to be a good one. Some of them have been known to destroy the discs inserted in the drive. Others simply fail to recognise that a disc is in it at all. Many people have attempted to play a game only to see a screen bearing the legend "To play this disc, please insert it into an XBox 360 console." Are you kidding me? Clearly, this is meant for DVD players. How is it possible that the 360 forgets that it is a games console?

These reasons would be enough on their own, but there is one further reason to avoid the 360. And that is XBox Live itself.

A recent update to the operating system of the console itself made the marketplace more visible, but has impacted negatively on the actual accessibility of the games. Upon loading the console, the user is greeted with adverts for content to buy. Sometimes, this content consists of content that you have already bought! If it were possible to customise the layout so that this 'spotlight' channel did not appear, then this would not be an issue. However, it is not possible. The user is forced to endure these adverts every single time they switch the console on. Considering that often the user will switch the console off and on multiple times in an attempt to actually read the disc in the drive, and you start to see the annoyance.

Naturally, making marketplace more visible has led to increased sales of content. However, whilst sales are going from strength to strength, something rather curious is occurring. Rules of supply and demand appear to be working in reverse, causing MicroSoft to raise the prices as more people buy things from them. Whereas themes once cost 150 MS points, (MS points being the fictional online currency used to buy marketplace content with), they now cost 250. And whereas games on Live Arcade were once priced at 400 points for retro re-releases, or 800 points for original titles. Since the launch of the New XBox Experience, however, 400 point titles are a thing of the past. 800 appears to be the new minimum, and 1200 is the new norm. This week, the Arcade title was R Type Dimensions, a compilation of the first two games in the series. Were they released seperately last year, one would have expected to pay 400 for each title. However, MS have decided in their wisdom that the cost should be 1200 MS points. Despite there never being an announcement that the pricing policy has changed, the official line now seems to be to charge as much as they believe they can get away with.

When developers post in their own blogs that they are being forced to charge for content despite not wanting to do so, or when they complain about not being able to develop their own games without going through an unreasonably long certification process, then something is going wrong. MicroSoft are taking the power away from the creators, and instead putting it into the hands of the accountants. In doing so, they have disregarded the gamers themselves. A developer must be free to set their own price for games. If they choose to give content away, then they should simply be allowed to. That MS is dictating the policies is to no gamers benefit.

It saddens me that this has happened. For, the XBox 360 has every potential to be the best console of all time. But, when the competitors offer online gaming for free and MS insist on charging for it, when developers find their hands are tied, when your console can not be guaranteed to work from one day to the next, then the question simply must be asked by gamers : Why am I still going along with this?